ISLAM-GUIDED SEX EDUCATION

ISLAM-GUIDED SEX EDUCATION

*Origin of sexuality in early life:

       The very first step in understanding the issue of sexuality is to know how the sex organs were created and how they do look like, also admiring God omnipotence noticing the same bud for sex organs in both males and females. The reproductive organs in men and women have the very same origin. The sex of every child is determined at conception, but it cannot be discerned until the end of eighth week after conception, or the tenth week after the mother’s last menstrual period.

       A small bud develops on the groin area of the fetus. If the child is to be a girl, this bud will form into the clitoris, likewise, the bud will become a penis if the child is to be a boy. The tissues surrounding this bud fold back into the labia in girls while they form the scrotum in boys.

This tissue, which is called the genital tubercle, begins to develop five weeks after conception. The bud appears first as a phallus-like organ; but it is still too early to determine the sex of the fetus.

       About the internal sex organs, the source is the same as well; although the sex of the embryo is determined genetically at the time of fertilization, the gonads do not acquire male or female characteristics until seventh or eighth week of development, this is described as follows:

I-            Development of the gonadal blastoma:

1- In the fourth week of development, a pair of longitudinal elevations “the gonadal ridges” form on each side of dorsal mesentery; just medial to the developing future kidneys.

2- In the sixth week; the gonadal cells are invaded by primordial germ cells (future procedures of ova in females and of sperms in male) coming from yolk sac.

3- Primordial germ cells have inductive influence on gonadal ridge formation.

4- Before arrival of germ cells, celomic epithelium of gonadal ridge proliferative to form primitive sex cords.

5- Ovaries and testicles are not morphologically recognized till tenth week.

Until that time, development is the same for both sexes; meaningly both sexes’ organs have the same origin, same histological structure, and same nerve supply. Yet, genotypically, things are different, this is because of the presence of Y-chromosome in male fetus.

*      *Notes about Y-chromosome:

1-Y-chromosome is a potent sex determining effects of medulla of indifferent gonads

2-Y-chromosome regulates production of H-Y antigen (testis determining factor (TDF)), which stimulates testicular differentiation.

3-If Y-chromosome is absent; ovaries develop.

In males, due to presence of Y-chromosome and subsequently of T-D-F; the cells of medullary sex cords differentiate into “Sertoli cells” and secrete anti-mullerian-hormone (AMH) whereas the cells of cortical sex cords degenerate; these cells continue to develop in females due to absence of Y-chromosome and subsequently of AMH and also due to the presence of estrogen derived from maternal circulation as well as from the placenta.

4-AMH is also the primary cause of that mesenchymal cells in the gonadal ridge differentiate into “Leydig cells” which secrete both testosterone and testosterone derivative dihydrotestosterone, and also induces degeneration of mullerian ducts.

5-About the roles of hormones secreted by “Leydig cells”

                 *Testosterone:

During the fetal life, testosterone induces the male differentiation of many structures including the whole genital duct systems.

The testosterone rise at puberty causes the seminiferous tubules to canalize and commence spermatogenesis and induces other pubertal changes in primary and secondary sexual characteristics.

       *Dihydrotestosterone (DHT):

During intra uterine life, DHT causes different external genitals to differentiate into a penis and scrotum, and also induces the development of some other male structures such as the prostate (which differentiates into uterine cervix in females).

The idea of the above-mentioned facts is to prove the common source and basics of both male and female sex organs including the same sexual axis; i.e. hypothalamus-pituitary-gonads, and subsequently the same nerve supply; the following is homologous sex organs table:

                 MALE                                                           FEMALE

Testes                                                               Ovaries

Glans Penis                                                     Glans Clitoris

Penle shaft                                                       Central shaft

Foreskin                                                           Clitoralhood

Scrotum                                                            Labia Majora

Seminal vesicles                                             Uterus

Prostate                                                            Uterine cervix

Corpora cavernosa                                          Labia minora

Cowper’s glands                                              Bartholin’s glands

Vas deferens                                                    Fallopian tubes

It is really interesting to understand this fact of both sexes organs being that identical in structure and subsequently the function.

Surprisingly this was mentioned earlier, actually much earlier in Islamic statements admitting the equality in the rights and obligations in both sexes, this was stated in the following script:

"Women shall have rights similar to the rights upon them; according to what is equitable and just." (2:216)

*Sex Education:

IS THERE SEX EDUCATION IS ISLAM?

Islam comprises a total way of life. Each part of it needs to be seen in the total context. Thus it is hard to take any major issue in life in isolation. Thus sexual life cannot be conceived of without marital and family life and these are all to be considered in relation to other Islamic teachings that regulate and control Muslim behavior.

Ibn al-Quyem in his book,“Prophetic Medicine”, assigned a full chapter to discussing the Islamic attitude to sexual and marital life, the interaction between the spouses, and the permissions and prohibitions concerning sexual intercourse between spouses. Mohammad Kotb in his book, “Islam the Misunderstood Religion”, discussed the subject in two chapters, one On Islam and Woman and the other, On Islam and Sexual Repression. Reading through the Quran and the Traditions of the Prophet there are many verses and Traditions about the creation of human life, cleanliness and purity, interaction between tile spouses, and mention of sexual intercourse between the spouses. In the explanation of these verses and Traditions, issues did arise, questions were asked and both sexes were involved jointly or separately. The following important points can be monitored:

1.          In Islam sex has always been taken seriously and it should remain so. It is not a subject for fun or mere absolute pleasure. It is never discussed obscenely or subjected to scrutiny. Decency and due respect always characterize the subject.

2.          Sex is never discussed in isolation for its sake or mere pleasure. It is always related to marital life and family life. It is viewed as a superior human relationship subject to strict regulations. Thus sex within a marital relationship is a worship that is rewarded. Outside a marital relationship sex is a punishable sin.

3.          Sex is privacy between the spouses. What goes on is confidential and should not be divulged to outside parties. The human factor in marital and sexual relationship is superior to mere pleasure.

4.          Legislation concerning sex is not subject to change by pressure groups or change in social attitudes.

5.          Like the rest of Islamic teaching, knowledge about those verses and Traditions on the subject is not age-specific and is not meant to start at a certain age. As the Muslim is learning the Quran and Sunnah he or she will come across these teachings.

Concerning adolescents and youth, the attitude of Muslims should differ from that of others; so here are posed some questions:

*How does the attitude differ in both cases?

1-          How does Islam equip them to deal with the pressures of a promiscus society, especially in cases of these Muslims being living in some communities where nearly all their peers are sexually active?

In Islam, sex is more than just a means of context of marriage, a concept that differs from some religious ones in that it is integral to the process of pleasing one’s partner and creating a loving, passionate relationship

As children get older and older and more able to mentally handle the subject, sex should be taught to be the beautiful able to convince you. Sex, on most cases, is an act that’s between two people observed by God and if one of those three is not comfortable with it, then something is wrong. The reality is that it happens for non-Muslims and Muslims alike and not talking about it or discussing it and its consequences can only make the problem worse thing than it is, within the context of marriage, so that once they grow up, they will be able to appreciate it for its inherent beauty and purpose.

Islam recognizes very clearly the power of sexual needs and this subject is discussed very clearly in Quran and in sayings of prophet Mohammad (PBUH) in a serious manner, in context with the marital and family lives. Islam does not consider women (or men) just an objective of sexual pleasure, but with a legal framework of relationship fulfilling the will of god. While the sex outside marriages is a punished sin, sex with one’s spouse is an act of worship. The Islamic laws regarding sex are fixed and do not change with peer or siblings pressure or changing the values of the society. Virginity at the time of marriage is considered a virtue in Islamic morality, but a disadvantage in the west. No wonder less than 10% of western brides (European and American) are virgins.

Although the Quran has placed so much emphasis on acquiring knowledge, and in the days of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) Muslim men and women were never too shy to ask him about all affairs, including such private affairs as sexual life, so as to know the teachings and rulings of their religion concerning them. As Aisha, the wife of the prophet testified, "Blessed are the women of the Ansar (the citizens of Madina). Shyness did not stand in their way seeking knowledge about their religion." (Narrated by All except Termizi). The way the ladies asked the prophet-directly or through his wives is a proof that sexual matters were not taboo but were fully acknowledged and respected. "Shyness is part of the faith" as the prophet taught, but he also taught, "There is no shyness in matters of religion" even entailing the delicate aspects of sexual life.

For some Muslim parents of today, sex is a dirty word. They feel uncomfortable in discussing sex education with their children, but do not mind the same being taught at their children's school by secular or non-Muslim teachers, by their peers of either sex, and by the media and television. An average child is exposed to 9000 sexual scenes per year.

Teens and adolescents will be always curious and they will search for answers. If they have nowhere or no one reliable to go to because of embarrassment they will go to more readily available –yet unreliable- source. This might end doing more harm than good. So, Islamic-based sex information could benefit everyone; parents and kids just alike.

These parents should know that sex is not always a dirty word. It is a very important instinct and demand of ours. God Who cares for all the aspects of our life, and not just the way of worshipping Him, discusses reproduction, creation, family life, menstruation and even ejaculation in the Quran. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), who was sent to us as an example, discussed many aspects of sexual life including sexual positions with his Companions.

The main reason Muslim parents do not or cannot discuss sex education with their children is because of the their cultural upbringing, not their religious training. They are often brought up in a state of ignorance in regard to sex issues. As a result, they may not be comfortable with their own sexuality or its expression. They leave Islamic education to Islamic classes and sex education to schools (if any) as well as the media.

And here, there is a question to be posed: Is sex education about knowing the anatomy and physiology of the human body or about the act of sex or about reproduction and family life or about prevention of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy? Is giving sex education equivalent to permission in engaging in sex?

It is our firm belief that facts about sex should be taught to children in a way commensurate with their age as they grow up both by the family and the school. We emphasize that this should be done within the total context of Islamic ideology and Islamic teaching in the Muslim societies, so that the youth-beside getting the correct physiologic knowledge become fully aware on the sanctity of the sexual relation in Islam and the grave sin of blemishing such sanctity whether under Islamic law, or far more important in the sight of God. Provided the Islamic conscience is developed we see no reason to shun sex education (which is unfortunately the rule in many Muslim countries), and we believe it is better to give the correct teaching rather than leave this to chance and to incorrect sources and to the concomitant feeling of guilt by the hush-hush atmosphere in which this is done.

*What is sex education and who has to teach it?

One sex educator at a western school told the parents, "I am not planning to tell your children whether or not they should engage in sex or how to do it but in case they decide to do it, they should know how to prevent sexually transmitted diseases (STD), venereal diseases (VD), acquired immune deficiency syndrome (AIDS) and pregnancy."

       The problem with this is that at the present time sex education as taught in some schools is incomplete. It does not cover morality associated with sex, sexual dysfunctions and deviations and the institution of marriage.

       One of the basic questions is, "Do children need sex education?" Do you teach a baby duck how to swim or just put it in the water and let it swim? After all, for thousands of years men and women have been having sex without any formal education. In many traditional civilizations, sex education starts after marriage and with trial and error. Some couples learn it faster than others and do it better than others due to difference in sexual perception and expression of one partner. In my opinion having a dozen children is not necessarily proof of their love. An appropriate and healthy sex education is crucial to the fulfillment of a happy marriage.

In Islam, anything that leads to wrong is also considered wrong. Therefore parents should control the music children are listening to or the TV program they are watching, the magazines they are reading, and the clothes (which may provoke desire in the opposite sex) they are wearing. While group social activity should be permitted with supervision, dating should not be allowed.

In fact during a recent survey, 32% of a high school boys responded by saying that if they have paid for the food and the girl does not go all the way, they have a right to force her to have sex. Many of the rapes occur at the end of the date and are not reported. Because one thing leads to another, anything which breaks down sexual inhibition and loss of self-control i.e. alcohol, drugs, parking, petting or just being together for two members of the opposite sex in a secluded place should not be allowed for Muslim teenagers. Kissing and petting is preparing the body for sex. The body can be brought to a point of no return.

In summary Muslim parents should teach their children that they are different from non-Muslims in their value system and way of life. Having a feeling and love in your heart for someone of the opposite sex is different and beyond control, while expression of the same through sex is entirely different and should be under control. Muslim children should be told that they don't drink alcohol, eat pork, take drugs, and they don't have to engage in pre-marital sex either.

       *Role of Muslim parents and Muslim organizations:

I am not proposing that all Muslim youth be married at age 16. But I must say that youth should accept the biological instinct and make decisions which will help to develop a more satisfied life devoted to having a career rather than spending time in chasing (or dreaming about) the opposite sex. Parents should help their sons and daughters in selection of their mate using Islamic practice as a criteria and not race, color or wealth. They should encourage them to know each other in a supervised setting. The community organization has several roles to play.

a) To provide a platform for boys and girls to see and know each other without any intimacy.

b) Offer premarital educational courses to boys and girls over 18 separately to prepare them for the role of father and husband and of mother and wife. The father has a special role, mentioned by Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), "One who is given by God, a child, he should give it a beautiful name, should give him or her education, and training and when he or she attains puberty, he should see to it that he or she is married. If the father does not arrange their marriage after puberty, and the boy or girl is involved in sin, the responsibility of that sin will lie with the father".

*Curriculum for Islamic sex education:

Islamic sex education should be taught at home starting at an early age. Before giving education about anatomy and physiology, the belief in the Creator should be well established. As Dostoevsky put it, "Without God, everything is possible," meaning that the lack of belief or awareness of God gives an OK for wrongdoing.

A father should equally teach his son and daughter, and the mother should also equally teach her son and daughter. Meaningly, the subject should be an open one, and not to remain shadowed or conservative within the family. In the absence of a willing parent, the next best choice should be a Muslim teacher (preferably a physician) for boys and girls at the Islamic religious classes or specific sex-education classes on Islamic perspectives.

The curriculum should be tailored according to age of the child and classes be held separately. Only pertinent answers to a question should be given. By this I mean that if a five year old asks how he or she got into mommy’s stomach, there is no need to describe the whole act of intercourse. Similarly it is not necessary to tell a fourteen year old how to put on condoms. This might be taught in premarital class just before his or her marriage. A curriculum for sex education should emphasize the Islamic aspects although. It should include:

a. Sexual growth and development
* Time table for puberty
* Physical changes during puberty
* Need for family life

b. Physiology of reproductive system
* For girls- the organs, menstruation, and its detailed mechanism.
* For boys- the organs, the sex drive, and details of mechanism of arousal and emission

c. Conception, development of fetus and birth

d. Sexually transmitted disease (VD/AIDS)

e. Mental, emotional and social aspects of puberty

f. Social, moral and religious ethics

g. How to avoid peer pressure

“Today's sex education is one of the most devastating things that can possibly happen to any society and it certainly has overwhelmed our society. For over one hundred years, established psychological precepts, which have repeatedly been substantiated by clinical observations, reveal two important facts concerning human sexuality. The first is that life-sustaining human sexual needs can only be fulfilled in an-affectionate, monogamous, heterosexual relationship. Sex educators do not stress this fact enough. The second salient psychoanalytic fact is that, in humans, unlike in any other creatures, three phases of sexual development occur before mature adult sexuality is reached. The public school courses given during each of these phases cause great harm to student and society in general.”

Sex education is only one facet of the multitude of social changes in Western societies that successfully transformed societal attitudes towards previously strongly accepted and adhered to basic assumptions and principles. Capital punishment, mercy killing, abortion, homosexuality and legalization of cannabis are further examples where ethical issues and moral judgments seem to lack consistency with time in Western societies. The rationalization of such perpetual attitudinal changes can partly be found in the Freudian concept of the pleasure principle and his interpretation of human behavior as a function of aggression and sexuality. It can partly be explained by a decline in spirituality and a tendency to embrace materialism.

Islam defines the essence of life and rationalizes the creation of the universe simply and explicitly, "I have created jinn and humankind only that they might worship me" (51:56). "Life here is a vehicle to the hereafter". Thus Muslim life is to be based on submission and adherence to the will of God and His instructions. These two contradictory approaches to the perception of life are applicable to any major issue in existence concerning the Muslim and non-Muslim. The choice is left to the individual which way to decide, bearing in mind the implications of his decision and accepting liability for his actions.

“If you tell kids about sex, they'll do it. If you tell them about VD, they'll go out and get it”. Incredible as may seem, most oppositions to sex education in this country are based on the assumption that knowledge is harmful. But research in this area reveals that ignorance and unresolved curiosity, not knowledge, is harmful. Our failure to tell children what they want and need to know is one reason we have the highest rates of out-of-wedlock teens pregnancy and abortion of any highly developed country in the world."

It is to be said here that it's very natural to be slightly embarrassed or uncomfortable in the face of this issue but we have to admit that sex is a natural part of our existence. Also, teens and adolescents will be curious and they will search for answers. If they have nowhere or no one reliable to go, they will go to more readily available, most probably non-Islamic sources. This might end doing more harm than good. I hope providing this information will benefit everyone - parents and kids alike.

The following is an article by Shahid Athar, the well known muslim American psychiatrist; it was published on the internet: After my presentation on sex education guidelines for Muslim youth and parents at the Islamic Center in Toledo, Ohio, in 1992, many questions were asked by Muslim youth. The Toledo Muslim community is progressive, affluent and has an even mixture of Arab and Indo-Pakistani immigrants.

I compiled all the written questions submitted to me, answered them to the best of my knowledge, and then sent the questions to the late Dr. Mahmood Abu Saud, the well-known scholar, for a second opinion. He did not know my answers. Some of the answers have already been published in the Islamic Monitor, the magazine of the Islamic Society of Toledo, in English and Arabic.

After each question, Dr. Abu Saud's reply and my reply are given for comparison.

1. Please explain the importance of hijab (women veil): What is the degree of sin if mature Muslim sister does not wear a dress properly (cover her head, etc.)?

Abu Saud: The word "hijab" is used in the Holy Qur'an in its linguistic original sense, i.e., a barrier, something to separate two things from one another. The Prophet's wives were ordered by God to observe hijab, meaning not to face all mature males who are entitled to marry them. They had to speak to such males from behind a curtain or a door so nobody would see them.
In our times, the word is usually used to indicate the dress of a woman in accordance with the Islamic requirements. What is definite for man and woman is that neither gender should dress or act in a way that is intended to attract the attention of the opposite sex. By instinct, males are more attracted to females' bodies than vice versa. Accordingly, Islam ordained that women should not show of their bodies what would particularly attract the attention of males. Besides, they should not show of their adornment other than that conventionally shown by women in an Islamic society.
As for the degree of sin, it depends upon the degree of violating these rules and the intention of the female who violates them. There are no fast rules determining the details of how to dress and cover other than to be modest and not show off.

Athar: hijab is an injunction from God (33:59). The extent of hijab can be questioned. However, obeying/disobeying an injunction altogether is a reflection of the faith of the person. The degree of sin or forgiving is up to the Law Maker

2. When one is engaged, are you allowed to go out with your Fiancee?

Abu Saud: Yes, provided there is no touching, necking and no staying behind closed doors or in a place where they would not be seen by others. Engagement in Islam is not a contract of marriage binding on either party.

Athar: No, not alone; unless a third adult member of the family is present, i.e., brother, sister or one of the parents.

3. Can a Muslim marry someone his parents disapprove of?

Abu Saud: Yes, as long as the marrying person is legally entitled to marriage.

Athar: Yes, however, one must find out why the parent(s) object to this marriage, as maybe they are right. Is the person you plan to marry an alcoholic, a drug dealer, a pimp? This is not a question of your or your parents' right but a question of your communications with your parents.

4. What are your views on Muslim teens (boys/girls) talking socially?

Abu Saud: It is healthy for boys and girls to talk and socialize as long as they do that within the Islamic moral code: no obscenity, no touching, no secret appointments, etc. They should talk socially in order to know each other as ordained by God in Qur'an (Surah al-Hujrat). However, one must be careful about what this social talking leads to.

Athar: They should talk socially in order to know each other as ordained by God in the Qur'an (Surah al-Hujrat). However, one must be careful in what this social talking leads to.

5. If you think abortion is murder, then what would happen if it were illegal? Ladies would do it at home, punch themselves in the stomach, and then they and the babies would die.

Abu Saud: Most of the Muslim jurists do not think that abortion before the end of the third month is murder, although they declare it reprehensible unless there is a legitimate justification. If it is illegal, then it is the woman's problem; she should have taken enough precaution not to get pregnant.

Athar: A crime is a crime, no matter how noble your intention is and means to achieve it. In this case both fetus and mother may die (a double crime).

6. According to statistics, the majority of teenagers who do not even have orgasm when they have sex. The orgasm they get is when they talk about it in the locker room.

Abu Saud: If so, why have sex? Orgasm is the acme of sexual pleasure. However, talking about it simply arouses the instinct and does not help in sublimating the desire. Granted, girls and boys cannot avoid thinking of it, but it would be more healthy to talk about it in the open with a responsible person, although in such cases, most probably there will be no orgasm.

Athar: Not true! Orgasm is related to duration and extent of foreplay and not intensity of sex. In the locker room, they can pretend they have orgasms to impress others.

7. How does one go about finding a suitable practicing Muslim spouse?

Abu Saud: Islamically speaking, both boys and girls are entitled to propose to the other sex. Thus, frequent gatherings of Muslims allow you to talk to whomever you feel like being your mate, one or more, take their addresses and write to them, invite them into your house and keep your parents informed of what you are doing. Attend youth conferences. Try to participate in discussions and lectures so as to expose yourself and become noticeable. You may also publish an advertisement in Islamic Horizon.

Athar: Stay in the community of practicing Muslims, doing things in the community in which you are known, and let your friends and family know that you are ready and available. Once you find one, let him/her know indirectly that you like him/her, preferably through your parents.

8. You are giving the wrong idea to the parents. You are making them think when girls and boys are friends, it is bad ... WHY?

Abu Saud: When boys and girls work together for doing good, they become friends. When they meet in public such as in conferences, youth camps and in study rooms and the like, they become friends. When boys and girls start meeting in hiding, or in secrecy without informing their guardians, when they start to touch each other's bodies, when they start a love affair, even without sleeping together, this is not an innocent friendship, and should he discouraged.

Athar: I did not give this idea. See answer #4.

9. You talk about monogamy. Our society in the Muslim world is not monogamous but polygamous. They are allowed to have four wives. Those are their right to possess as well as slaves.

Abu Saud: There is no question to answer, but the above statement is a wrong point of view. Polygamy is not common in the Muslim world, although it exists. There are strict terms set in the Quran on marrying more than one woman, and they are really difficult to observe. However, a woman can always indicate in her marriage contract that she would not accept to be with another wife. and can even insist on an important compensation in case she is divorced for no fault of her own. Whatever the case may be; to have another wife is much better than to have a mistress. If in the inquirer's view, polygamy is slavery, the second wife should not accept it.

Athar: Muslim society in the Muslim world is by practice monogamous. There is less than one percent polygamy, and that is by permission and not injunction. In the West, men who can control their desire, have one wife and one to four mistresses. Also in the West, they practice polygamy but not at the same time, i.e., cycle of marriage, divorce, marriage and divorce several times in their lives.

10. Is there any harm in men and women sitting together, in this lecture hall for instance. It seems natural that a family sit together with other family and friends. We seem to do this everywhere except here.

Abu Saud: There is no harm in men and women sitting together. They used to do so in the days of the Prophet, and the books of hadith are full of such instances. You are right in your observation, and it is for you and others of some moral courage and clean thoughts to stand up and DO JUST THAT: SIT TOGETHER.

Athar: Islam believes in separation of sexes in social gatherings unless people are mahram to each other (see Surah Ahzab and Surah Nur). This is natural, even in secular schools, that girls like to sit, walk or play with girls rather than boys. Unnecessary social mixing may lead to other wrongs. The Creator of the human body knows what is good for us and we don't.

11. What should a Muslim boy do if he is constantly rejected when he proposes?

Abu Saud: He must be following the wrong approach and procedure, or there must be something basically wrong with him. Counseling would be very useful in this case.

Athar: He should find out why he/she is being rejected. Maybe it is the way he/she proposed, etc.

12. What is the Islamic rule concerning masturbation?

Abu Saud: There is no authentic text prohibiting masturbation, although it is reprehensible on account of two man factors: It leads to sexual arousal and more desire, and it actually affects the health, especially for boys. Sex is like any other natural instinct, in that the more you think of, the more it is accentuated. Generally speaking, humans sublimate and administer their instincts. We want to possess, but we work and earn; we want to eat, but we control our eating habits: and we want to have sex, but we marry.

Athar: Masturbation is considered makruh (detestable) in Islam; i.e., it is between unlawful and permitted. Some scholars of the past have permitted it to students and soldiers who are single in a non-Muslim society where temptation is high, in order to save them from adultery. The medical harms are not confirmed.

13. If you are an unmarried Muslim girl and pregnant, what choices do you have: Abortion, adoption, etc.?

Abu Saud: The first option is to marry the father of the child. The second is to have an abortion in the first three months of pregnancy. The third is to keep the child, and the fourth is to give him/her up for adoption providing the child keeps his father's name.

Athar: Abortion if the health of the mother is physically or mentally threatened; otherwise, carry to term, then adoption or even marriage with the boy if possible. Hopefully, Muslim girls don't come to this difficult stage and marry beforehand. If they are ready for sex, they should be ready for marriage.

14. In what circumstances are abortions allowed and are we Muslims allowed to use contraceptives?

Abu Saud: About abortion, see question #6. About contraceptives, they are allowed in Islam by explicit statement of the Prophet (PBUH) where he did not forbid coitus interruptis.

Athar: Abortions are not allowed unless it is a matter of rape and incest, and the health of the mother is concerned. Chemical contraceptives, i. e ., birth control for married women, is allowed though not promoted because of its many medical side effects.

15. What is the right age to get married in this society?

Abu Saud: There is no fast rule fixing such an age. When a person is mature enough, can live independently and is ready to meet the responsibilities of marriage, he/she can marry.

Athar: In this society, about a million girls get pregnant each year, and if they were married, they would not be counted in teenage pregnancy statistics. This right age is when you are ready to marry. If you have achieved puberty, then you must abstain from sex until you think you are ready for marriage. Otherwise, you may fall into the sin of premarital sex.

16. How does one go about proposing to either a boy or a girl?

Abu Saud: If you know the person, simply talk about your desire to get married and wait for the reaction. Then, if the reaction is positive, just express your desire to engage the person. If the answer is positive again, inform both families and arrange for the "official" engagement.

Athar: You let him/her know your intention to marry him/her, through your parents or trusted friends.

17. 1 sees a lot of women in this hall without hijab. We know this is against Islam and against the Prophet's teaching. I would like to know why.

Abu Saud: The answer depends on what you do mean by hijab (see question #I). If it is only uncovering of hair while the body is well covered, then the question is controversial. Slave women during the days of the Prophet even used to pray without covering their hair. Men never were seen uncovering their hair in public, but that was a societal convention. The idea of covering hair is the same as covering the adornment and the body of the woman. In simple words, as women are very proud of their hair and do consider it a part of their beauty that attracts the attention of men, it is then supposed to be covered.

Athar: See answer #I.

18. All religions prohibit premarital sex and consider that as sin. Why don't all religious leaders put their point across to the government and not leave this subject to the big "L" liberals?

Abu Saud: Because sex in the society in which we live is liberal; and accordingly, the government elected by the people is liberal.

Athar: Government does not control personal expressions or emotions. The good and bad, and right and wrong have to be recognized and accepted individually.

19. Is abortion allowed if the life of the woman is in danger and/or you have amniocentesis and find the child could be handicapped/ Down's syndrome?

Abu Saud: If there were danger for the mother, abortion would be allowed. If there will definitely be a congenital defect, then the matter depends on the degree of this defect. If it is so serious that the child will not be able to function at all, or will not be able to live on his own, then the question is controversial. In all cases, if abortion takes place in the first three months (that is, four months from the last period), it may be carried out.

Athar: Yes, under medical decision.

20. What if you want a child but don't want to get married?

Abu Saud: Adopt a child according to the Islamic rules: Mainly, keep the child's father's name and no inheritance. He will never be YOUR child.

Athar: You will have to have another man's sperm, which is adultery. When the child is born, he/she would like to know the father. What will you tell him/her that will satisfy and make him/her happy?

21. Is there anything wrong with being married young?

Abu Saud: No, as long as you are ready for marriage. See question #15. The Prophet (PBUH) says, "He who can afford to get married, let him marry. . . "

Athar: No, unless you are marrying a man who is too old.

22. What is sex?

Abu Saud: Sex is the cohabitation of a male with a female for the purpose of reproduction. A married couple may decide not to have children and still they legitimately perform sex. Sex without marriage is illegitimate and is obviously harmful to the individuals and their society.

Athar: Sex is the act of intimacy between two people of the opposite or same sex, starting with being together, to foreplay and the sexual act. The best sex organ is said to be the brain; other organs are hand and mouth.

23. Why are Muslim men allowed to marry non-Muslim women and Muslim women not allowed to marry non-Muslim men?

Abu Saud: The Quran says, "Do not marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe" (2:221). The family structure is so paternal that the non-Muslim father would dominate and dictate. This meant that the children would be non-Muslims, that the wife would not be free to practice her religion, and that the different laws of Islam (such as inheritance, alimony, guardianship, etc.) cannot be observed. Accordingly, such marriage would lead to what is prohibited and thus becomes prohibited.

Athar: Not true. Muslim men are allowed to marry women from only people of book (Jews and Christians), not Hindu or atheist, etc. Even then they are encouraged to prefer believing women even if she is a slave than idolater. The reason Muslim women are not allowed non-Muslim men are many to include the future of children.

24. Are Muslim girls allowed to play sports?

Abu Saud: Yes, of course. In public, she must be covered, and if she plays with boys, there should be no touching.

Athar: Yes, only with girls.

25. Islam is a very patriarchal and sexist religion. Why is the podium faced toward the men? Why don't you direct your speech toward the women? A woman will look attractive to a man, and that is why she must cover up, right? Well, have you ever thought that maybe a woman will also find a man attractive? Why should not he cover up? Why are men placed on a higher stool than women? Is that really what God wants?

Abu Saud: Islam is not patriarchal or sexist; it is YOUR society, which are both. The Prophet (PBUH) used to talk to women directly, facing them. He, and the caliphs after him, used to address them, answer their questions and sell to and buy from them. Both men and women are required to cast down their eyesight and be modest. By instincts men are more attracted to the woman's body than vice versa, and that is why she must cover up. However, man, being obligated to earn the living of the family and to protect it, has to work and mix with others, such that covering up would not be practical.

Athar: Not true, as men and women in the audience could hear the speaker the same way.

26. What is the right age to get married in this society? Can you marry a person whom your parents do not approve of?

Abu Saud: See question #3 and question #15.

Athar: See question #3. The right age is when a person is physically and emotionally mature and ready for marriage. In this society, more than a million teenage girls become pregnant each year. If they are ready for sex, they should be ready for sex with responsibility and commitment which comes from marriage.

27. Right of inheritance to a fetus: the rape situation in Islamic countries where rape is monumental and CANNOT be proved.

Abu Saud: The embryo is a prospective inheritor; i.e., if the father dies during the pregnancy of his wife, the estate inheritance division will be suspended until the birth or miscarriage of the fetus. There is no evidence that rape in Muslim countries is monumental, nor is it a fact that proving it is impossible. However, if the father is not known, there would be no inheritance except from the mother.

Athar: In the U.S.A., 200,000 women are raped every year, nearly two per minute, but half of the rapes are not reported. The reporting of rape in Muslim countries is related to weakness within women, for shame or whatever else.

28. Is placing of the private parts to the mouth harmful, for boys and girls alike?
Abu Saud: Oral sex is not forbidden in Islam as long as it is practiced between husband and wife.

Athar: No, but only with your spouse. "Your women are your tilth for you, so go to your tilth as ye wish" (2:223). Thus, all sexual positions except anal intercourse are permitted between husband and wives. There may be some medical harm in oral sex if organs are not clean or have infection. In that case they should seek medical treatment first before engaging in sex.

29. Are Muslim boys allowed to wear earrings, or is it a woman's dress?

Abu Saud: The general rule is that men should not try to look like woman and vice versa. If conventionally agreed and accepted, earrings are used only for women; then a Muslim boy should not wear them.

Athar: Men are not allowed to mimic women in dress or other ways including jewelry.

30. Are girls or boys allowed to talk about the opposite sex in a way that conveys a feeling?

Abu Saud: It is human to have feelings towards the other sex. But to talk about it is another matter that depends entirely on what sort of talk it is. Modesty is the key word in this context. One must be decent and modest. One must be clean in thought and deed. God knows what is in the hearts of His servants and the servants must be aware of His cognition.

Athar: Yes, but be cautious not to give the wrong emotion. To play with someone's emotions is not right.

31. Are women allowed to work, leaving their children at home?

Abu Saud: There is no prohibition for women to work. If they have children, it is the responsibility of both parents to look after them. However, it is biologically the mother who should cater to the needs of the child in his early age. Whether she can leave him at home during her working hours or not, is a matter of circumstances and age of the child. What is essential is consideration of the interest of the child as the first priority.

Athar: Not a good idea. This deprives children of her mother's love and presence, both of which are badly needed.

32. What are the Islamic jurisdictions toward marriage?

Abu Saud: In Islam, marriage is a civil (though divine) contract, witnessed first by God, then by the society. The main terms of an Islamic marriage are: the free consent of both spouses, the public declaration of marriage, the dower to the wife, the respect of the terms that either party may opt to include in the contract (such as the wife's condition to be the sole wife, to divorce herself without the consent of the husband without mentioning any reason, or to get her dower at any certain time, etc.), and that the information in the contract is correct (for instance, whether or not either spouse is married, whether or not either of them has a disease, etc.)

Athar: Marriage is ordained by God and is a tradition of Prophet Muhammad. He said marriage is half of faith and that it is a shield against wrongdoing.

*Final remarks:

It is not necessary for the youth or parents who have read the above answers to agree with either mine or those of Dr. Abu Saud, as sometimes we did not agree with each other, either. It is also possible that both of us may be wrong. The purpose of this particular article is to make parents aware of youth's questions and stimulate discussion within a family.

Muslim youth, instead of taking our answers for granted, should seek more explanation from their parents, Sunday school teachers, Imam of the mosque and above all, from the Quran and Sunnah. "It is not befitting a believing man or a believing woman that when God and His Messenger have decided an affair for them, they should after that claim have any say in their affairs and whosoever is rebellious to God and His messenger, he verily goes astray in error manifest"(33:36).

"Say: Are they equal those who know, and those who do not know?" (39:9)

"Blessed are the women of the Helpers. Their modesty did not stand in the way of their seeking knowledge about their religion".

The topic of sexuality provokes strong emotions in people, especially youngsters, and because of this reaction, we see sexual images and actions everywhere. Fear, mystery, curiosity, desire-all of these very powerful emotions can be easily manipulated by-and into sexual behavior. "A lot of underage people drink because its frowned upon by authority figures and the same goes for sexual activity," said one teenage Muslim boy. "Basically, a lot of people become curious about sex because of a combination of their peers telling them that they are weird if they don't and their parents telling them they will go to hell if they do." Sexuality is such a complex subject that to dismiss or trivialize it is to suppress a natural urge, which demands attention, either through discussion or-as, is often the case- release.

"My parents go so far as to tell me what I'm feeling is unnatural, and that I'm being wrong just thinking about the opposite sex in that way," one person said. "I mean, I don't plan to act out on what I'm feeling, but I have to at least talk about it-but not to my parents, I guess." Many young people complain that their parents set unrealistic expectations regarding sexual pressure or anxiety, and they also feel abandoned by parents who simply tell them to "just say no." This leaves them with no choice but to consult less reliable sources of information, such as their equally confused peers.

"If we as parents do not teach our children about sex, they will probably gain information from the wrong source. Teaching sex education in mixed classes to hot-blooded teenagers without benefit of moral values is like pouring gasoline on emotional fires." Tim LaHaye, Family Life Services, Author of several books on sex and marriage during a presentation at the Islamic Center in Toledo, Ohio, a survey of sex attitude was obtained. A total of 157 attendees out of 200 responded. 95 were parents and 62 were youth. Toledo's Muslim community is well established, educated and progressive and has a mixture of Arab and Indo-Pakistani immigrants. To each question, their (parent vs. youth) response is given.

1. Should an Islamic viewpoint on sexuality be presented in the Weekend Islamic School?

Parents                              Youth

Yes:    88 (92%)                     52 (83%)

No:       7 (  8%)                     10 (17%)

2. Should parents teach sex education at home?

Yes:    82 (86%)                     47 (75%)

No:     13 (14%)                     15 (25%)

3. Are you aware that sex education classes in public schools do not teach moral views and abstinence?

Yes:   72 (75%)                     46 (74%)

No:    23 (25%)                     16 (26%)

4. Do you allow social mixing of boys and girls above 12 years of age?

Yes    64 (67%)                     32 (51%)

No     31 (33%)                     30 (49%)

5. Should parents supervise such activities when they are permitted?

Yes    94 (99%)                     48 (77%)

No       1 (  1%)                     14 (23%)

6. Should parents be aware of and choose the movies, TV shows, music and magazines children are exposed to?

Yes    93 (98%)                     45 (72%)

No       2 (  2%)                     17 (28%)

*Interpretation of the data:

It is obvious from this survey that both parents and youth as a majority approve of sex education being given at home or at Sunday Islamic School. Nearly two-thirds of them approve of supervised mixing of boys and girls. While the majority of parents feel that they should choose movies, music, TV programs for their youth, the youths themselves, who otherwise are conservative, are equally divided on this issue. We hope that with continued emphasis on Islamic perspective on sex education that their attitude may change in the future.

       *Sex education after marriage:

Yes, this is something; the parents and kids alike, we have to approve that most of adults do not know about properly overtaken sex, and don’t make it in the perfect picture it has to be executed on, so when talking about sex education, it has to be considered that it is bilateral, this is to say for both sexes; males and females, and for both parties; parents and children.

This essay is not intended to be a sex manual for married couples, although I may write such someday. I just wanted to remind the reader of a short verse in the Quran and then elaborate. The verse is, "They are your garments, and you are their garments" (2:187).

Husbands and wives are described as garments for each other. A garment is very close to our body, so they should be close to each other. A garment protects and shields our modesty, so they should do the same to each other. Garments are put on anytime we like, so should they be available to each other anytime. A garment adds to our beauty, so they should praise and beautify each other.

For husbands I should say that sex is an expression of love and one without the other is incomplete. One of your jobs is to educate your wife in matters of sex especially in your likes and dislikes and do not compare her to other women.

           For wives I want to say that a man's sexual needs are different than a women's. Instead of being a passive recipient of sex, try to be an active partner. He is exposed to many temptations outside the home. Be available to please him and do not give him a reason to make a choice between you and hellfire.
 Sex is an important area of marital life, and when people are in trouble they have only the doctor to resort to: and unless the doctor has had some basic teaching of sex, he or she will be quite helpless to help out. Sexual problems may manifest as strained family relations, psychosomatic symptoms or infertility. Medical treatment may affect sex such as some antihypertensive or antidepressant drugs. Sexual counsel is often a neglected aspect of managing such varied diseases as coronary thrombosis, diabetes, incipient heart failure etc. The role of lack of sexual education in some cases of infertility is well known. Surgery may influence sex in men and women. A carelessly repaired episiotomies, or colporrhaphies may have a devastating effect on marital happiness. The psychological premath and after-math of the operation of hysterectomy is only too well known. On top of all of this, Muslim women patients would wish to know the religious ruling on the multitude of gynecological and obstetric situations relating to worship, and their reference is their doctor. It is therefore a religious dictate that medical education preparing doctors who will cater for the needs of Muslim communities, should equip them with the knowledge necessary to answer this need.

       *The role of the Muslim physician:

Teaching sex should also be present in the curricula of medical schools. This is sometimes done in our medical school as part of the gynecology and obstetrics program. There is no difficulty whatsoever with Islam and rather conservative men and women students, if the subject is given within an Islamic perspective.

At that point, we have to get back to the basic level of the issue of the sex education to discuss it from a different point of view; here we have to consider several issues.

*Why should we concern ourselves with sex education?

Why is the question asked at this time?

Is sex education such an important issue in Muslim life and Muslim society? Furthermore, who needs sex education?

How and when should it be made available?

Who should face the problem and provide the service?

What are the sources and means of information?

More specific questions are:

What are the bases of the theoretical principles that apply?

What are the problems and dangers of practical application?

This multitude of questions reflects my anxieties as a Muslim sexologist who puts her faith and fear of God before her career and profession. My fear of committing a sin predates my enthusiasm of doing a successful job.

*How can a Muslim physician handle the problem?

Do we really have a role in sex education? What are our theoretical principles and means of application? What are the ethical and moral issues?

The chances are actually there if once in lifetime a consultation may involve a sexual problem. At that time, the first requirement is a combination of medical knowledge and Islamic orientation. One should know where he stands. The second requirement is setting limits on moral and ethical principles. And the third requirement is knowledge of the patient and his or her religious and moral orientation, for that would be the physician’s way to get into his track of action in order to reach his goal and achieving the result he would be satisfied with. If these requirements are fulfilled, then one may be facing one of three situations:

a.           Sexual illiteracy (lack of enough sexual knowledge)

b.          Sexual dysfunction

c.           Sexual deviation

If any of these situations arise outside a marital relationship, the first thing to be carried out is to discuss the matter in a scientific way, declaring its drawbacks, having the evidence of himself/herself being complaining, the next step is twinning the good about the scientific facts with Allah judgments, whether those that came in the holy Quran, or in the biography of prophet Mohammad (PBUH), and on the other hand, the disadvantages of not following these divine orders, both on the level of our worldly existence within the present life, or on the level of the after life, also both on the level of the corporeal and the spiritual well beings. This takes sometime actually, but the more important is insisting to make sessions not very long apart from each other in order to make things under control as much as possibly could it be.

Within a marital relationship how much can we indulge in sex education? One can consider situations where spouses come for help; the nature and kinds of complaints vary a lot; they are sometimes due to lack of sexual knowledge, some other times they are due to incapability to apply what they have as knowledge on their own sexual lives, sometimes they come expressing vague and nonspecific complaints, some other times they are conflicted between the moral and sexual complaints, and … and… and.. So, if we consider all possible permutations, there would be hundreds of possible complaints, but the common between all is having the same ground, which is lacking the right and the proper way of dealing with the spouse, either on the physical, sexual, or the moral levels, since there is no fixed ideal to follow, very basically; because of the lack of having the real Islamic model in mind, concerning different sides of the marital life.

*What do we have to teach?

The Muslim doctor needs to understand thoroughly all that the Quran has mentioned pertaining to sex and all that the Traditions of the Prophet included concerning conjugal rights and how spouses should treat each other concerning those conjugal rights. The Quran says, "So let man consider fools what he is created." "He is created from a gushing fluid that issues from between the loins and ribs."(86:5-7) It goes on to say, "Did We not create you from a base fluid which We laid up in a safe abode for a known term. Thus We arranged. How excellent is Our arranging."(77:20&21)

This theme keeps recurring in the Quran and is always related to other teachings. "Verily We created the human being from a product of wet earth, then placed him as a drop in a safe lodging, then fashioned We the drop a clot, then fashioned We the clot a little lump, then fashioned We the little lump bones, then clothed the bones with flesh, and then produced it as another creation-so blessed be God, the best of Creators.”(23:12-14)

In other chapters the Quran says, "Then lo! On the Day of Resurrection you are raised." And, "There is enough here for Muslims to reflect on-creation, death, resurrection." And, "They question you concerning menstruation. Say it is a harm (a damage) so refrain from women during menstruation and do not approach them until they are purified. Once they purify themselves then enjoy them from where God has instructed you. Truly God loves the repenters and those who care for purity" (4:222-223)."Your women are a tilth for you (to cultivate) so enjoy your tilth the way, the timing, the place you wish and make an introduction for yourselves..."(2:223)

What more details do we need to know to fulfill this human instinct? The closest you can come to details is what happened between Joseph and Zulayka. "And she approached him, she in whose house he was and she bolted the doors and said I am ready for you. He said I seek refuge in God-Lo! He is my Lord who perfected my resort. Wrongdoers never prosper She verily desired him and he desired her but he saw the sign of his Lord. Thus it was that We might ward off from him evil and lewdness. Lo! He was of our chosen slaves and they raced to the door and she tore his shirt from behind."(12:23-25)

The Prophet (PBUH), says, "The best of you is the one who is best to his family." He also said, "Beloved to me of your world are pleasant scents and women." He once told the Companions, "And there is a reward for what you deposit in the womb of your wife." They said, "Oh Messenger of God, the one of us satisfies his desire and gets a reward for that." He answered, "What if he deposits it in a prohibited womb? Isn't he going to sin?" So if he deposits it in a permitted womb there is a reward for him.

But at the same time he instructed his Companions not to divulge what goes on between them in private as husband and wife. He simulated that happening to a devil making love to a she-devil. He also instructed women not to describe the particulars of their female friends to their husbands as if they can see the woman described. This is to avoid masturbation in fantasy and abominations.

The physician may have more to offer in cases of sexual dysfunction within a marital relationship. He may find physical or organic pathology that needs correction. He may detect psychological factors having an impact on the sexual relationship. The physician has still to set limits to how deep and far he can go. The decency and virtue of marital bondage and privacy of such a relationship need not be obscenely dissected and divulged to a third party, particularly if he or she be of the opposite sex. Do we really need to worry that much about sexual problems? Do we have so many of them as to warrant explicit discussions? A more general answer is that in a practicing Muslim society we should not expect to face the same problems as Western societies. Irrespective of the sex of the Muslim sexologist, one main background should always be there; this is that the Quran and the Sunnah should be the framework for Muslim life and thus shape and fashion the behavior and attitudes of Muslims. As the children are brought up they will have an Islamic orientation to marital life and sex education is then part of that education rather than a separate and major issue in isolation. We do not need to take sex as an issue and introduce it into the education of children. We need to introduce to them the Quran and Sunnah in the first place. If they can care for their Islamic character, other issues will take care of themselves. Virtue breeds virtue and vice breeds vice. Those who enjoy life as a whole, should hope to enjoy their marital life both emotionally and physically, and should not lack the means to do so.